Over the next few weeks, our social media feeds will be filled with pictures of our kids tossing their graduation caps. Some are completing college while others are about to begin. For many of my clients, their kids are in various stages of the college conversation. In the midst of all the mixed emotions for parents in this season of life, three questions are critical to get right.
- How much does college cost now? How fast is that cost rising?
- How much can we afford, and what is the best way to fund it?
- Do our kids have a healthy understanding of the financial boundaries as we choose a school?
The bottom line comes down to how we are handling this as a family, and does everyone in the house actually know the plan? Do our kids have a general awareness of the relationship between college costs and the ROI conversation?
Over the years, I've sat with families at both ends of this. Some write a check for whatever their child wants to go to, with no framework or limits. The instinct is completely understandable, but I've also seen what happens when a young adult has never had to think about the cost of a major financial decision.
On the other end, I've sat across from parents who are still paying off their kids' student loans as they approach retirement. That problem was entirely preventable.
Most of the families I talk to land somewhere in the middle. What they need isn't more savings advice as much as a clear plan. With that plan, they can have clear, healthy conversations.
The Moving Target: Current Costs of College
If this conversation hasn't happened in your home yet, here is the context you are planning around. All figures below reflect the total cost of attendance (tuition, fees, room, board, and supplies), which is what families actually spend each year, not tuition alone.
Public four-year, in-state
The average all-in cost for an in-state student at a public four-year university runs approximately $29,900 per year for 2024–25, or about $120,000 over four years. Sources: College Board, Trends in College Pricing and Student Aid· Education Data Initiative
A local benchmark: UNC Chapel Hill
For families in this area, UNC Chapel Hill is worth understanding as a specific reference point. For North Carolina residents, the all-in cost of attendance runs approximately $27,020 for 2024–25, putting a four-year degree at roughly $108,000 based on current figures. That is below the national in-state average and well below most private options. Sources: UNC Office of Scholarships and Student Aid· CollegeTuitionCompare
Private nonprofit four-year
At a private nonprofit institution, the average all-in cost of attendance reaches approximately $63,000 per year for 2024–25, or roughly $250,000 over four years. Within that, tuition alone rose 38% over the past decade (from $30,094 in 2013–14 to $41,540 in 2023–24), with room and board adding substantially to the total. Sources: College Board, Trends in College Pricing and Student Aid·BestColleges
One detail that matters specifically for families at higher income levels: need-based financial aid phases out well before most people expect it to. For many of the families I work with, the sticker price and the net price are effectively the same number. The figures above are the ones worth planning around.
None of this is meant to alarm. It is meant to anchor the conversation in real numbers before it needs to happen, which is exactly what the framework below is designed to do.
3 Questions to Answer Before the Tours Start
In my experience, how clear you are on what you're comfortable spending will impact your family piece more than the total amount you could technically spend. They tend to be the ones who had this conversation before the tours started, ideally in freshman or sophomore year, while the stakes still feel manageable and everyone can think clearly.
Question 1: Do we have a target funding goal?
I advise that this first question should be discussed between both spouses and a financial planner. You need to know your own plan before you invite your kids into it. How much is set aside, and what does it realistically cover? Add up what's in the 529 or other college savings vehicles, factor in what you expect to contribute each year before your child enrolls and compare that honestly to projected costs at the types of schools on the list. Round numbers are fine. "We have enough to cover four years at an in-state school, or roughly two years anywhere" is a complete answer. "We'll figure it out when the time comes" is not.
There needs to be a real number because it makes every subsequent conversation possible.
This is also important to consider if your kids are seriously interested in a career path that requires graduate school. Even if you're not sure, it's good to know how the graduate school piece plays in, even while talking about careers. Money is finite.
Question 2: How do you talk to your kids about it?
I certainly can't promise you that college conversations will be smooth. I'm experiencing that firsthand. That said, financial boundaries are almost like a law of nature. You can argue against it, but at the end of the day, it is what it is. There can be some flexibility and creativity, but not at the expense of good stewardship. Modeling this is invaluable for your kids.
When your child knows the number before the tours begin, their questions can be filtered through a reality check. Instead of "Does this school feel right?", the question becomes, "Can I make this work with what we have set aside?" Those two questions lead to completely different decisions and completely different conversations on every campus visit.
The instinct to protect your kids from the financial reality is understandable. Learning how to operate within healthy boundaries is actually the more generous choice. A teenager who knows the parameters going in can self-select realistically, ask better questions during admissions conversations, and show up to the process as a participant rather than a passenger.
A simple opening works fine: "We've set aside [amount] for college. Here's what that realistically covers, and here's how we're thinking about any gap." Ground the number in what the family is prepared to spend. It's okay to say no to an unwise choice.
Question 3: How do you handle the gap?
Almost every family has one. The question is whether it gets addressed before emotions are involved or discovered under pressure after someone has already fallen in love with a school. Options like student jobs, merit scholarship expectations, or a cost-sharing arrangement between parent and child can all work well. A modest loan with a clear payoff timeline is a very different thing from open-ended debt with no plan behind it. Any reasonable approach can succeed. What doesn't work is leaving the gap undefined until it's too late to address it calmly.
Have This Conversation With Your Spouse First.
Before bringing any of this to your kids, make sure the two of you are aligned. Nothing creates more tension in these conversations than parents who are visibly not on the same page in front of their child. Agree on the number, how you'll communicate it, and your approach to the gap. If you need to revisit the plan as new information is introduced, that's completely fine. Do it between the two of you. Walking in with a shared position changes the entire dynamic of every conversation that follows.
What happens when families actually do this
A client I work with told me that one of the most important things we did together was simply walking through these three questions, even though their oldest was already a junior. Every college conversation in their home felt calmer after that. The decisions were still real, and the emotions were still there. The conversations were just calmer because everyone in the family knew the rules of the game before they started playing it.
This is what a family CFO relationship makes possible beyond the investment strategy and the 529 mechanics: a framework for the conversations that actually determine how your family experiences this season. When money is discussed clearly and early in your home, it becomes a tool your kids understand rather than a source of tension nobody wants to touch.
If your oldest is a few years from college and this conversation hasn't happened yet, that's exactly where we would start. You can send me a message or schedule a time to chat anytime. This is what we do for families like yours.
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